Five Minute Friday--- Nothing

There are days when I feel like I can’t go on.  

Those are the days I have been up more times in the night than I can remember.  I’ve cleaned up too many toys, washed too many dishes.  I wait, again, for my distracted son to get his shoes on/get dressed/put away his dishes/follow instructions.  I already took lunch to my loveable but forgetful husband this week.  My 3 month old has had two blow out diapers today and I have been spit up on at least three times.  

I’m out of nice.  I’m out of patience.  I’m just out of everything.

Nothing more to give.

But then my littlest one smiles and coos at during our 3 AM feeding, our sacred, quiet time together.

I see a facebook message about an aquaintance’s son in the hospital...  And my own son runs to me and clutches my leg and begs me for the millionth and a half time that day to “please color with me.”

My husband and I catch eyes across the room.

And I find it. The love that comes from above springs up within me.  

I pick up my baby and set her chubby self on my lap.  I grab a crayon with the other one and lean in to my boy over the table decorated with papers waiting to be decorated.

 

I find it.  Something out of nothing.

Musings of a Former Shopper

I have a confession.  I am a woman, a (relatively) young woman. 

And I dislike shopping.

I think.

You see, back when I was single, and skinny, and had much more of a disposable income, shopping was thing the thing to do when meeting with friends, or needing entertainment on a Saturday, or really just whenever the mood struck. 

Don't get me wrong, I was always the type to bargain hunt:

"Shirts on sale for $7?  Wonderful, I'll buy 10." 

However, somehow along the way going shopping has lost a good portion of its luster. 

Lately, the extra spending money hasn't been always readily available (though there has been blessing from family during birthdays and holidays), and the clothes don't always fit like they used to (thanks to Jackson, my love for chocolate, and my lack of ability to stick to a good eating plan for more than two days).

More than that, I don't necessarily like who I turn into when I go into a clothing store. 

I feel inadaquate-- none of the clothes on the rack look like clothes that I own.  I must have no sense of style.  I must also get a new wardrobe.

I feel guilty--couldn't this money be used somewhere...useful?

I feel fat--  shouldn't stores have mirrors that they use at the carinival to make people look really skinny?  I think business would be way up for them. 

I feel like such a consumer.  Isn't life about more than just acquiring more and more stuff? Yet that is exactly what I find myself longing to do and doing.


Lately I have had the opportunity to do some extra shopping with time that my mother-in-law has so graciously offered and money that my husband has graciously not budgeted away. 

I have also been reading Jen Hatmaker's blog. One of  the many things she writes about is excess that Americans experience.  I find myself in many ways the typical American with typical American dreams of a cozy, cushioned, well-taken care of life.  I know that it is "the norm," what I am wondering is the consumer mindset healthy?  Does it lead me to "be content no matter the situation?"

I have also been reading up a little bit more on slave labor around the world.  Many of our everyday products come from modern-day slaves, a large portion of those slaves are children.  I am just delving into the research of this, a couple of websites being:
this and this and oh, this

This challenges me to a whole new level: not only do I need to check my heart about when I buy and why I buy, I should be actively looking at what I actually buy. 

The truth is this: I want to be perceived as "the person who has it together."  Ideally this would be reality, but I would be happy with the ill-contrived perception of it.  Most of the time this would include a picture of me driving my beautiful SUV, with my coordinated, up to date clothing while drinking a latte.

I have recently come to the conclusion that the whole "put together" image may never be a reality. 

I'm starting to become OK with that.

Musings of a Wanna-Be Leader

Leadership.  It seems that for years leadership has been a very talked-about and taught subject, especially in churches.  There are leadership conferences, books on leadership, CDs on leadership, leadership DVDS, leadership quotes, and even leadership underwear (OK maybe I made that last part up). 

It seems like everywhere Christians are striving to become leaders. 

A couple of weeks ago, after reading a friend's leadership quote on his facebook page, I got angry, really angry.  It hit me: seeking to be a leader is the exact opposite of what Christ has called us to seek after. 

Scripture verses relating to this (in no particular order):

• Mark 10:44-44   Jesus called them together and said, “You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them.  Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. 

• Luke 14:7-11  When he noticed how the guests picked the places of honor at the table, he told them this parable:  “When someone invites you to a wedding feast, do not take the place of honor, for a person more distinguished than you may have been invited.  If so, the host who invited both of you will come and say to you, ‘Give this person your seat.’ Then, humiliated, you will have to take the least important place.  But when you are invited, take the lowest place, so that when your host comes, he will say to you, ‘Friend, move up to a better place.’ Then you will be honored in the presence of all the other guests. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”  
• Luke 18: 16   But Jesus called the children to him and said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these."  (How high on the totem pole were children in terms of societal views?  One of the lowest)
• Philippians 2:3-8   Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves,  not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross!

Those are just a few verses out of many.  

The truth is, I am not anti-leadership.  I LOVE leadership.  I love being in charge.  Anyone that knows me at all knows that.  I want things my way and for people to listen to me, after all I know what is best.  I LOVE to speak and for people to listen and to "oooh and ahhh" and marvel how they were inspired.


However, God has called me to something more.  He has called me to be meek.  He has called me to not tout my name and my position.   He has called me to be like the person of Christ: humble and a servant.


This is not easy.  I would prefer to have things my way.  To be the leader, to call the shots.  However, I must be content whatever the circumstances.  To love God and love others, whether or not it is noticed by the general public.  And I as much as I want to, I should not be humble so that in the end I will be exalted.  That is as bad as giving in order to get (but that is another post for another day).  

The beautiful thing is that God takes the no-ones and turns them into some-ones, who do have the opportunity to influence life and eternity for the better.  

It's just, where are your motives?




Here's to being a no-one.

Love Musings

One year.  As of this weekend, February 12th, Josh and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary of marriage.  I can honestly say I am so blessed.  For some couples their first year is the hardest.  For us it has been a wonderful, whirlwind of activity.  Even as we exit the "honeymoon" stage I can say that there are times that I am with my husband I have the ooey goeey, stars in your eyes, shoot you to the moon emotions.  However, those passionate feelings are not always there.  Then there are times we simply do life together.  I love him, there is not a question about that, but it is not driven by feelings. 

The same thing happens with my baby boy. Sometimes I look at my son and I have this overwhelming sense of love for him.  He can do just about anything and I will ohh and ahh and my heart will hurt because I love him oh so much.  Other times we go about our day together and I love him, don't get me wrong, but those heart-wrenching feelings are not there.  We just simply enjoy life together.

The other day as I was leaning over my son's bed and he was sleeping I experienced the heart-wrenching love moments.  But it hit me then that I do not always feel this way.  And it also hit me, do these relationships with my son and husband relfect my relationship with God?

You see at church sometimes I sing songs of how much I love God and I feel like a liar and a hypocrite.  You see, I do not always feel like I love God.  There are times I am overwhelmed with His love, His majesty, His mercy, His power and there are times that I simply enjoy just being with Him and knowing He is with me.  And after thinking about it in light of my other relationships I think that is OK. 

The amazing thing is that though my human heart is only capable of so much emotion, God is always passionate about me.  He is always passionate about you.  Now that is some serious lovin'.

Blog Challenge Day 7: Random Grace-Filled Musings

It's true... motherhood has turned me into a sap.  Where previously I could watch movies and hear stories and would not shed a tear, now I find myself crying or wanting to cry all the time, particularly when babies and children are involved. 

Especially this past week.  I was talking with a friend of mine who is going into child protective services.  After her day at training I jokingly asked her, "What did you learn at school today?"  Her answer: abuse.  She then proceeded to tell me several horrific stories of babies and young children being abused.  As I was holding my precious little one in my arms, I felt my stomach knotting up.  I felt tears coming to my eyes.  I also felt anger.  I wanted to find out who the abusers were from these stories and give them a taste of their own medicine.  Images of myself using violence against the abusers were flashing before my eyes.  At one point I said out loud, "Hell is going to be extra hot for those people."  Several of my siblings agreed.

Later on that afternoon I watched an interview of a lady who used to work for Planned Parenthood.  After helping with an ultrasound-assisted abortion she became convinced that it was not simply a "fetus," but it was a baby, a real human being who was fighting for its life.  My response? "Hell is going to be hotter for the abortion doctors."

But then I realized, "What if it is not?  What if the abusers, the abortion doctors, rapists, human traffickers, etc. come to a knowledge of God's saving grace through Jesus Christ?"

That stopped me in my tracks.  I wanted those people to burn.  I wanted them to burn long and hot.  But what should my response be?

After talking it over with my husband and sister and mulling it over for the better part of a week I have come to several conclusions based on all of this:
1.  It is good to be angry.  God is angry at injustice.  He sees everything that goes on and His heart breaks every time a child is hurt.  I cannot confuse God not always getting involved with God caring.  He cares.  He has a perfect Father's love.  And with God's love in my heart I must care too. 

2.  God does avenge injustice and he already has.  Because God is a just God He will repay wrongdoing.  He cannot let the guilty go unpunished.  However, Jesus took the guilt for those who believe.  He paid the price for the abuser, murderer, etc.  He took the punishment.  I heard a good quote recently: "The cross is where God's judgment and mercy meet."

3.  Just because the people that commit the atrocities mentioned (and others) may be forgiven, that does not mean that they will not struggle with that forgiveness.  As I have learned personally, most often mental anguish is a lot harder than physical. 

4.  It is hard to comprehend just how far grace reaches.  As humans, we are only willing to give grace as much as we have received it.  Those though that have experienced the fullness of God's grace can comprehend and are more likely to forgive others.  That is why Scripture says, "He who has been forgiven of much loves much."  Thank goodness that God's grace is not limited by human judgment or emotion.  

5.  I am not that far away from those that I am so angry at.  How often do you and I do things that we swore that we would never do?  As a totally depraved sinner, I am capable of all those things that I detest and more. Although I may not commit every sin, I am able to. 

So that's it.  No deep conclusion to bring these thoughts together. But I am glad I am thinking about grace and not just blindly accepting it.  Then I can sing all the more "Amazing grace, how sweet the sound that saved a wretch like me."

Blog Challenge Day 6: Happiness

Today's assignment: A picture of something that makes you happy
This makes me happy

There are many other things that make me happy (including but not limited to): time spent with Jesus, reminiscing with old friends, tea(hot or cold), chocolate chip cookies, the Office, watching my little boy learn, playing games with my hubby, joking around with my family, talking on the phone with my mother-in-law, cooking, having a clean bathroom, having freshly shaved legs, clean sheets on the bed, when my (current) favorite song comes on the radio, taking pictures, looking at pictures, going out to eat, anything chocolate, hearing missionaries speak, learning something new, shopping at Publix, saving on our grocery bill, and most recently: blogging.

What are some of your favorite things?

Blog Challenge Day 5: My Siblings

My goal today was not to make this blog too long as I am tired but still want to continue writing.  However, the topic is my siblings and since I have 5 of them, we'll see how this goes.

Favorite Memories With My Siblings:

• Lindsay taking Snickers, my dog,  around the living room when we were moving.  She realized we were all sad to be moving from the house and announced, "come on Snickers, let's make a memory."  She then had snickers prance around the room like she was a prize show horse.  Snickers took on the challenge despite her homely looks.
• Michael wearing his short green shorts at inappropriate times and feeling the need to bust out in dance moves
• Rachael getting picked on by a guy in the youth group.  Her response: "You, you dumbo!!!"
• Amy going through a profanity phase as a toddler
• Christy and Amy singing Kareoke
• Cutthroat DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) competitions
• Silly dinner time conversations
• Throwing wrapping paper at Dad on Christmas instead of throwing it to him
• Secrets.  Not the fun kind.  The kind where a sibling gets really close to you in your ear and breathily says "I've got a ssseecret," while letting spit fly freely
• Hiding food in the fridge with notes like "Do not eat upon penalty of death" just in case someone found it.  
• Getting surprised with a dog not once, but twice in our lives
• Dressing up Michael as a girl when he was 2ish, and then seeing him dance around the living room while Dad yells for him to take it off
• Amy being the best baby whisperer ever
• Going to the story with Christy as a baby and pretending to be her Mom
• The death of Blueberry, our "precious" blue parakeet.  Afterward, Michael requested blueberry pie, blueberry muffins, and blueberries in general. Amy was less than pleased
• Michael stating on a car trip "I love horses.  They taste delicious."  Again, Amy was less than pleased
• On a different road trip coming up with titles for inappropriate childrens' books.  Among the many were "Comet Cleanser tastes like Kool-Aid"
• Rachael effortlessly doing her dance moves from dance class around the living room while I asked her repeatedly, "do it again, except slower this time."  
• Lindsay reading Leviticus 22:24 to the whole youth group when our youth pastor asked her to share a scripture verse.  Go ahead, look it up.

All in all, as I am thinking of these memories a big smile comes across my face.  However, at the time time it is bittersweet.  The sad truth is that we are all growing up.  The family dynamic is changing.  I'm married.  Lindsay is married.  Rachael moved over an hour away.  Michael is a senior and most likely will be going out of state to school next year.  Amy is a teenager now and growing up into a young lady.  Christy is 9 going on 25.  We have changed.  Life is moving on and we are creating memories of our own.


I have been blessed with many good memories, more than I could count.  Most of my memories include my siblings.  My Mom was right all these years: "Friends come and go, but family is forever."